I Want You
I want you. I want you as you are. I want all you can be. I want you naked inside and out. I want you objectified. I want you celebrated for both our pleasure. I want all I can get from you. I want you to the very last drop. I want to taste all of you. I want you to surrender. I want you to open for me. I want you to cover me. I want you to abandon everything you have to me. I want you to abandon all your resistance completely. I want you to keep nothing back for yourself. In return you get all these things from me.
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One Bad Apple (Part 1)
She was fifteen years younger than he was, but that wasn’t the biggest hurdle they had to overcome. In the eyes of her family there was something far worse, namely that he had been married already. However brief and loveless that marriage was, in England in 1959 that presented a problem. Not least of which was that he was yet to obtain a divorce.
Her family forbid their relationship from continuing. But she was of her own mind, as determined as he was for them to be with each other. They decided to escape, elope together. They could not be married, but they set a day, on which he gave her a ring and she changed her name by deed poll to make it seem to all who cared to ask that they were as married as the next couple. With these plans enacted they ran away and began their life together.
The age gap and his the childlessness of his previous marriage meant that starting a family was a priority for them. And almost exactly a year from their “marriage”, they had a daughter, who became all she and particular he had ever wished for, the true apple of his eye. Their happiness was such that they gave her Joy as one of her given names. These were happy times, he worked, suddenly with a renewed enthusiasm for his career and working life. To provide for his wife and daughter was all the motivation he needed. They had a plan to have several more children and expand the family as soon as was practical.
Unfortunately, the next attempt ended in a miscarriage. This was followed by one of the darkest periods of anyone’s life. They had a baby boy, they christened him, Charles. But things were not good, the baby struggled for life in the early days, and sadly at three weeks old, he passed away and left the couple with unimaginable grief to cope with. Following these dark days, with the joy from the daughter they decided to try again. But, once more the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage. They were about to give up at this point.
He wasn’t so sure, but she decided to give it one more try. She became pregnant once again. No miscarriage, but the pregnancy was difficult, she was confined to bed, and as the months past the doctors became concerned, and finally decided 5 weeks prematurely to take matters into their own hands and carry out a caesarian. A baby boy was born, in the nick of time, as they found the fallopian cord wrapped around his neck and tightening with every passing moment. He was a delicate baby and had to spend the early weeks in an incubator, but he survived.
The day they brought their son home was surely one of the happiest of their lives, and their daughter, by now nearly five years old, held the tiny baby in her arms on the car ride home. The effort and emotional cost had been enormous but they had their family complete at last.
With a happy, growing family, more good news followed. He finally secured his divorce and although her family were still not prepared to accept him, they were able to marry 7 years to the day after they had eloped. Another ceremony followed and they exchanged rings once again.
As the children grew, the couple were happy, but things were not entirely right in the family. The early signs were there. The daughter wanted to be more than a sibling, she didn’t take well to a new child in the house. As the boy grew she wanted more and more to control him, to control everyone in the house if she could.
There were ups and downs for the couple, she had problems following the pregnancies and had a hysterectomy to clear up any danger of worse problems to follow. They embarked on ambitious ideas of building their own home. They completed their first in 1968, and their second in 1971. Gaining a measure of financial security and stability for them and their family.
As the daughter grew, the signs were there, she took to stealing from the pantry, the special treats that were reserved for all the family. If she wanted them, she took them. Her mother tried to admonish her, but her father could see no wrong, and always excused the things she did. Her attempts at putting her brother in his place didn’t go well either, he had his own mind, he had a strong will of his own. She resorted to violence and bullying and intimidating him. Never a friend, if he wasn’t doing what she wanted she was always his enemy.
There were more problems for the couple, he developed serious health problems of his own. A series of heart attacks, seeming to put him at deaths door at one point shook the family to its core. Where would it end, their financial security didn’t seem so certain now. There followed difficult years for everyone in the family, culminating in the unavoidable decision for the mother to give up housewife role and return to work just to keep the family afloat for as long as she could. She went to night school, and before long found herself work as a secretary. Single handedly she saved the family.
The daughter who had revelled in the added responsibility she had been given in these troublesome years became a growing teenager and took it upon herself to do whatever she chose no matter what. The bullying and threatening of her brother continued, especially after school when there wasn’t a parent to supervise. She started smoking at 12, had a steady stream of boyfriends making their way in and out of the house over the garden wall. She always left her brother in fear under sentence of penance should he ever tell on any of her misdemeanors. Meal times in the household that had formerly been happier times, became battlegrounds where everyone began to rage at everyone else, at the heart of which was the selfish, controlling daughter with the irrational and explosive temper manipulating everyone and in particular her father at the expense of all others.
Her school work fell away at the same time as her behaviour deteriorated. She scraped her way into sixth form college, but by now her mind was incapable of such discipline. Her social life exploded, the boys in her life multiplied, she came and went when she left. She used the house as a hotel and her parents as her servants, giving nothing back. However, being the apple of her father’s eye she was never once reigned in, he worshiped her for all her selfishness. The daughter knew whatever happened her father would bail her out. The mother took to caring more for the boy, she could not come between her husband and his blindness to his daughter.
On becoming 18 the daughter inherited a tidy sum of money from her grandfather, whom she had rarely met, but nonetheless he had left money for all his grandchildren. She immediately proposed to buy herself a sports car. The mother was totally set against it, even if she could afford to buy it she could not afford to run it. It was madness. But yet again the father pandered to his daughters desires. Terrible arguments ensued, causing a great rift between the parents, but ultimately the mother failed to stop it. She bought the car, she added it to her lifestyle of money, men, parties and selfishness. Within 6 months however she was forced to sell it on, just as her mother had predicted she could not afford to run the car, and with money still being tight within the family fortunately her husband could not bail her out financially.
Undaunted, the by now young girl continued on her wayward path. She failed all but one of her A Levels, scraping a pass in just one. Sobbing yet again to her father at the unfairness and inexplicability of it. Her boyfriends had now changed into man friends, and as ever there was a multitude of them. She brought home married men from amongst the family’s neighbours, she went to married men’s houses. She had no morals, and she tempted all she could, with not a thought for the consequences for the paths she crossed. She really began her trail of destruction and damage to all who came across her in life.
Through a family friend, a real job was found for her at a large insurance company. Finally with an income, she moved out to the relief of everyone, even her father. She could now expand her lifestyle as she chose, even if it meant returning home for washing and regular meals.
By now driving a less powerful, second hand car that had been her parents, after one evening of partying and such like. In a fit of rage she drove off like mad woman, and crashed the car destroying it in an isolated spot. Through either luck or judgement, the police were not involved until the next day, and she escaped any further punishment or analysis of her condition. Of course in those days, drunk driving was not looked on as it is today.
Her job didn’t last long, with an element of further education involved she was never going to stick at it. She found herself a job with a sales company, and in a typical flit, suddenly moved 40 miles away, again enlisting the help of her parents in setting up home for her. She was still however, a regular visitor and manipulator at her family home, returning for her washing, and to continue her partying wherever and with whoever she could. Unless, that is that she got a better offer, and many was the occasion the family would be expecting her to arrive only for her to fail to appear without word or apology.
A few years passed, and she continued her life of sleeping with whoever she chose, as long as whoever she was with maintained her as the centre of attention for however long or short. As soon as the light faded, she would move on to her next victim. She was however, quite successful as a sales consultant, and began to forge a career for herself. It was at one sales conference she might a guy from hundreds of miles away who she really took a shine too.
Her mother always referred to him as the “Pool Attendant”, seeing as he had just quit that “career” to begin one for himself in sales. He was a genuine charmer, physically impressive and most importantly for the daughter, he had a poor education. Unlike in her own family unit, in him she found someone who couldn’t outwit and out think her. Within days, she had quit her flat and had moved in with him two hundred miles away. She was going to make him into a successful sales consultant.
Finally, moving in with someone, seemed to give her life some stability. Although she was still sleeping with whoever she chose, she just believed that her new man didn’t notice, or perhaps didn’t care. It was true to say, however that she was able to set him on his way to a successful career. As they both prospered in sales, they earned more money and were able to trade up their houses, seemingly ever more successful and wealthy.
Her mother had really succeeded in her own right, not only had she saved the family but she had carved a career for herself as a P.A. in a large company. She too was well paid, and her husband who had somehow survived only worked part time and then was able to retire altogther. Similarly, by now her brother was happy, successful and married and had managed to create a life for himself away from his sister. The daughter also noticed all of her former friends had married, she was the odd one out. She took action and asked her man to marry her. They finally married 8 years after getting together. Her father, who although still seeing her as the apple of his eye, told her mother, “at least she isn’t our responsibility any more”. Already pregnant at this time, she suffered a miscarriage during the honeymoon, which according to her mother was no surprise considering the schedule of jet skiing, dancing and partying that ensued on the trip.
She decided children were her next thing, despite the miscarriage, and the “happy” couple struck a deal that she would bring up the children and he would make the money. By now he had become very successful in terms of sales earnings in his own right. She set her heart on a daughter for herself and got to work. She gave birth to a boy, not disappointed she soon anointed him as the golden child. Barely more than a year later, she again gave birth to a boy. Two boys, no girl. Babies were her speciality, a time of her children’s life she said herself she enjoyed the most. This was certainly helped by leaving her husband at home and taking the regular 400 mile round trips to her parents house, where she could leave the babies with her parents while she went out shopping and partying.
Around this time, her father died, leaving the greatest hole imaginable in her mother’s life. For her mother, life was never to be the same again, the light in her life went out. Her 40 year love affair was over, and she was left to make the most of whatever years she had left herself. This seemed to give her daughter added influence, and seeing as her son seemed to have a happy and stable life, she chose to make herself available to continue serving her daughter as she chose.
The daughter tried again for a girl, and little more than 3 years since beginning, she was the parent to 3 young boys. And now, it didn’t help that soon after her brother fathered a baby girl.
deep wet trust
deep wet trust the naked heart
make only the present delicious
go from a brilliant colour rhythm
to embrace my baby
eat some warm sex
to secretly caramel my universe
could you give life
its beautiful once they ask me why